Saturday, February 28, 2009

In lonely company.

It feels like someone is strangling me. It ain't enough to kill me, but enough to make my chest itch, searching for a different kind of air. It's that stagnant kind of air. Not the kind you breathe to stay alive, but the kind to keep you afloat.

Yep, everyone's just trying to float in this massive social ocean.

That guy in the dark leather jacket, drowned a few years ago, but I guess that's what you get for being a habitual abuser.

Miss bright-red lipstick over there is barely holding her nostrils above the water, but what kind of air is she even breathing, I wonder? Can't be good for the lungs, that's for sure.

See me, I developed gills. I didn't mind letting the water take me. It's places like this that remind me of the stagnant air I used to breathe. It's an acrid-flavored air.

The tiers of importance and power, the social staircase, they're lined with the putrid corpses of drown victims and people screaming for help. It sure ain't easy to live in a place with no help.

The problem is, people are so afraid of searching the bottom of the deep, dark ocean that they won't even take the chance to find out what's there. They float desperately at the top until either, they die face down in whatever killed them, or they give up and drown, never getting to see what they were so afraid of in the first place.

You've got to grow some gills.

You've got to grab hold of Fear and tell her who's running the show.

And it sure ain't you, kiddo.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear nose,

Dear nose,

As I'm sure you are aware, you are quite odd and misshapen. Sometimes people don't like you, but I've never held any contempt towards you for the way you've grown, nor the reactions you cause. You've never started to bleed at inconvenient times, nor have you harbored an embarrassing solidification of mucus and displayed it openly for a crush of mine. Not once have you betrayed my trust and blown skittles instead of snot, though I wouldn't be apposed to such an event. *hint hint*
I'm not sure why it's recommended to breathe through you in order to calm myself, but I'm glad that I have a second option in case my mouth fails to open.
I think you hit puberty a little late, and you're starting to grow hair in weird places. Don't worry, it's perfectly natural.
I apologize on behalf of my mother for failing to immunize me from certain seasonal allergens. I know it's a rough time for you, but please refrain from emitting your high-pitched mating noises. It's not appealing for anyone, even the other squeaking noses.
I promise to take good care of you and keep you clean. Just please keep up your end of the bargain, and continue to conceal your cavernous depths from any female onlookers.


Jake Douglas Sidwell

Saturday, February 21, 2009

More important than daily apples.

Can you do me a hugely huge favor?

My good friend Shawna has entered a competition which she holds to be one of the most important events in her life.

If you could go and rate her video 5 stars on their site, we would very much appreciate it.



Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Game.

I lost the game.


Not "The Game".

But the game.

The O.C. trivia game.

Season 1, of course.

Because no other season is worthy of momentary conversational memorization.

However, I think it's important to note this...

I am making a solemn promise never to lose again.

For the sake of all that is good and right in this world.

I will destroy all my future Season 1 O.C. Trivia Game opponents.

With the dark force and power of a thousand Jupiter moons.

No, wait.

Two-thousand Jupiter moons.

Be afraid, future opponents.

I shall smite thee.

I shall smite thee whilst employing Shakespearean colloquialism.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Good decisions usually = hard decisions.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the decisions I make.
What do people think when they see me?
Do they see a man of integrity, or just a goofy kid with a youtube account?
Every action I take affects how others visualize me.
This isn't to say that everyone's opinions of me are what's important.
But certainly, I should be living up to a specific standard.
If I'm not meeting that standard, then I need to rethink my decision making process.
Specifically speaking, my Christian lifestyle hasn't been apparent the way I'd like it to be.
I feel a bit constricted in that aspect.
Youtube has been a haven for people like TheAmazingAtheist, who spew hate at others just for choosing to live a different lifestyle than them.
However, according to my respective faith, those of us who are persecuted for the name of Jesus are blessed.
This isn't to say, "Go search for persecution, as to receive blessing."
It simply means that if you stick to your guns, when push comes to shove, and show where you stand, you will be blessed for doing so.
So why do I hold this cowardice when it comes to standing firm in who I am and who I choose to follow?
Is it the fear of rejection, or the innate defensive reaction to attack?
I haven't the slightest.
Still, in the coming weeks, I'm going to try and make my true-self more apparent to those around me, instead of compromising my values for the sake of conforming.

I hope everyone will respect that choice.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

The fallacies of age.

I miss being a child.

The incomparable beauty of blissful ignorance is the most grand of my losses.

I didn't need a pea coat in the fall, and I definitely didn't need my Chuck Taylors to impress the ladies (though I'm sure they still would've been a help, despite the 90's lack of sensible style).

The world didn't care about me, and I didn't care about the world. Not in a cruel way, but with a genuine innocence. We were both unaware of each other.

Possibly the most unnerving thing I've grown to learn is that I become more ignorant with every bit of knowledge I gain. The more I learn, the less I know.

The truest words I can say are that "I know nothing." But it's nothing original.

It was a beautiful era when I didn't know that I knew nothing.

I miss it.

I miss being a child.

But more importantly, I'm glad that I know I miss it.

It encourages the pursuit to know. The pursuit to learn. The pursuit of knowledge.

The endless pursuit that inevitably ends with me knowing nothing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The most poignant color.

Are you going to wear the white dress?

You know that they know that you know it's a lie.

So why would you wear it?

Your mother picked you out a nice gray dress. Well, technically it's ash, but let's not split hairs.

It's not like you're admitting anything. Everyone already knows.

Your grandmother isn't around anymore. Her heart won't be broken.

It's not going to match the bridesmaids dresses.

You have to wear the gray one.

You have to.

Just be honest.

I'll love you the same in your ash-coloured dress.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Spoken by two

"I've been thinking about you a lot."
"About what?"
"...I don't know. Just everything, I guess."
"That sounds a little cheesy."
"I know, but I don't know how else to explain it. You...fascinate me."
"What do you want me to say?"
"What do you want to say?"
"I want to say a lot of things.
"Like what?"
" much I enjoy getting to know you."
"But you already know me."
"No, not like that. Getting to know your vices. You can't truly care about someone unless you're willing to love their little...eccentricities."
"I'm eccentric? Gee, thanks."
"Yes, but you make it sound so bad."
"Well, of course. What other connotation could it have?"
"I wouldn't like you if you weren't your own person."
"You always used to say things like that. I miss it."

Friday, February 6, 2009

Note to self...

You should think about...

...throwing away those old yearbook photos from high school before you end up having a kid who ridicules you for being unable to see the fashionable trends of the future.

...making your own lunch instead of biting Dave Thomas' hook everyday. His big, juicy, delicious, heart-clogging, meaty hook.

...paying an extra sixty dollars a paycheck for health insurance. Not for just-in-case matters, but just in case you get an adventurous idea that may lead to a just-in-case matter.

...loving yourself a little more.

...loving yourself a little less.

...spending more time and money on people who don't share your name, address and social security number.

...spending less time and money on animated cartoon characters, even if they have really cool Japanese voices and magical powers...or ninja moves...or samurai swords. Well, maybe not samurai swords, but definitely ninja moves.

...taking your time when creating creative creations so as to avoid blog posts of a convoluted and sub-par nature.

...not being afraid to take advantage of that ever-so-useful delete button.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

It bothers me that Marc Forster breathes.

I am upset.

I've experienced all that disappointment has to offer.

I feel like breaking something valuable, but I don't know why.

Something made of glass.

Yeah. Like a window.

Possibly Marc Forster's window. The window near his table. The table where he eats his food.

Then, Marc Forster would come home. And he would be upset.

That would certainly lift my spirits.

Specifically the spirits that help me enjoy James Bond films.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I don't like how aging works

But I like ice cream.

22 is a boring age.

But so was 21, because it didn't mean anything to non-alcoholic me.

I don't like to spend my money.

But I didn't mind buying myself an expensive birthday present.

I don't like a lot of attention.

But...wait, no I love a lot of attention.

This is my day, so pay attention to me.