As I'm sure you are aware, you are quite odd and misshapen. Sometimes people don't like you, but I've never held any contempt towards you for the way you've grown, nor the reactions you cause. You've never started to bleed at inconvenient times, nor have you harbored an embarrassing solidification of mucus and displayed it openly for a crush of mine. Not once have you betrayed my trust and blown skittles instead of snot, though I wouldn't be apposed to such an event. *hint hint*
I'm not sure why it's recommended to breathe through you in order to calm myself, but I'm glad that I have a second option in case my mouth fails to open.
I think you hit puberty a little late, and you're starting to grow hair in weird places. Don't worry, it's perfectly natural.
I apologize on behalf of my mother for failing to immunize me from certain seasonal allergens. I know it's a rough time for you, but please refrain from emitting your high-pitched mating noises. It's not appealing for anyone, even the other squeaking noses.
I promise to take good care of you and keep you clean. Just please keep up your end of the bargain, and continue to conceal your cavernous depths from any female onlookers.
Jake Douglas Sidwell