Friday, April 17, 2009

Restless

I'm starting to wonder if it will ever go away.

My thoughts are a perfect circle, from one morbid thought to the next and back again, with unwarranted outward optimism to cover them up. I don't know who my smile is fooling, but it isn't me.

Feels like my body is screaming, crawling, trying to escape the one thing it's afraid of - being trapped inside itself. I feel claustrophobic inside my own skin.

I want to cry so badly, but I'm afraid that if I do I'll be admitting to my own fears.

Go away, Anxiety. You're destroying my potential.

I can't do what I want to do.

You're stealing my time. This is MY time. You're a thief and a liar. Most people haven't met you face to face, but I see you everyday. You hide from the discerning, and you weaken the strongest knees.

I hate you. I hate you with everything that I am, but I can't seem to win a battle against you.



Imagine being with your greatest enemy face to face everyday, with no chance of rest, no sign of peace.

Imagine then, your enemy is stealing the most precious things you have, and you will never get them back.

Imagine then, that this enemy lives within you.

...what then, would you do?

9 comments:

  1. The same thing I do every day. I try and face the world, if I have to hide the anxiety then I try to hide it as best I can.

    Anxiety IS my greatest enemy. Greater than time and age, because we all have those enemies. Anxiety influences every decision I make, everything I do. I hate that I can't stop it. I hate that it's such a huge part of who I am. I try and accept it, but I get so frustrated and sick.

    So whether this is you writing creatively or you're actually feeling this, I can relate on the deepest level. You're right. Anxiety is a thief. It takes so much out of me, so much away from me.

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  2. I'm at a sort of loss for words. On one end, I feel like I should encourage you and say happy things. But the truth is all I want to do is whine and complain about my mutual hate for anxiety. I see it as a sort of like a dark tunnel, and once your in it, it feels impossible to get out, but the truth is there is a "light at the end of every tunnel" as they say. I just think anxiety hides that light. If we could see that light, then we would have hope. And hope is anxiety's worst enemy. Fear...anxiety...worry they really do take over your everyday life in internal ways that people don't even notice. Sometimes I just feel like a walking ball of anxiousness, or some sort of coward zombie. I know people say "I know how you feel" all the time, and it's never really true. We can never ever know exactly how someone feels, because each feeling and emotion is different for everyone. All I can say is that I am dealing with *similar maybe possibly from what i can tell* problems..and I will be praying for you. And I hope the light shows itself soon, or maybe we're meant to find it ourselves, dunno. Sometimes breaking down and crying is the best thing, it's acknowledging what you are feeling on a deeper level and expressing it physically, there is nothing wrong with that, and for me at least, it always helps.

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  3. Depression is the most prevalent AND [mark this] the most easily treated mental challenge we face. You can continue to battle, never optimizing your life, or you can ask for help.
    If you go to a good counselor, the right treatment can let you SOAR, Jake, becoming the bright, creative, funny and kind person you want to be.
    Please take the hardest step -- ask for help.

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  4. I'll just imagine this is a post you wrote to reflect how you truly feel. Then again, I could imagine you being satirical, but that's not something very nice to assume. People face the world everyday. And it is, indeed, very unpredictable.

    But we all keep fighting. It's even harder for me, an Atheist. This is all I have left, my friend. This one life I have to make the better for. Because once I'm gone, I'm gone. This isn't a religious lecture, but more of a perspective. There is no easy way out for me.

    There's no real guarantee that good things will happen to you by means of luck, but that's where you step in. And if you need help, as writermike suggested, it's out there.

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  5. Anxiety and panic. The two worst demons on the planet. Even worse than the Starbucks administration. You explained it very accurately in this post. I go through the same stupid thing. It can make anyone want to weep. It can make anyone's dreams go astray. However, it is YOU and through a combination of cognitive affirmations and acceptance, you can fight it. Stay strong Jake.

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  6. jeez, can you read my mind??

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  7. This resonates with me so much. When you feel like that, sometimes all you can do is take action. Decide what you think about whatever is bothering you, and make a conscious effort not to think about it anymore and just take action.

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