Thursday, July 16, 2009

Robotic Poetry

I can't write poetry. For some reason, I get all robotic. Like an automaton, so here's me attempting to get better at it. Sorry for the garbage that follows.


Today's selective blindness,
Is the bane of years,
Your stifled peripherals,
Follow paths around me,
Indirect decisions,
Always decipher love,
With reciprocated lust,
Kiss and touch,
Eyes of falsity and lies,
Uncaring yet unfaltering,
Finding their victim,
And allowing slavery,
To any who take hold,
Giving yet another piece,
Of your shattered offer,
Priceless and broken,
Who can repair you,
Who can love you

10 comments:

  1. That's beautiful, Jake! Don't bring yourself down like that. You have a talent.

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  2. You're still much better than me, hahah. I can't write poetry, either. I overthink it too much. Anyway, I like the last few lines. Keep going.

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  3. Very good.
    Stop all this nonsense about you not being able to write poetry. It's a lie.

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  4. are you sure this is robotic hm? i think its beautiful.

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  5. Jake, I really do not mean any offense, none at all. I will try my best and explain what I mean in my poor English, but do forgive me if I do not succeed.

    The first 5-6 lines are amazing. They are an abstract look into something that I know myself to be unable to describe in a second language for certain. As with most of your written stories I find myself completely captured; I read those lines over and over, I greedily ate them with my eyes. But the later of the poem seems less... felt? Like you ran out of adequate words to describe the image displayed behind your eyes.

    I like the 'Eyes (...) finding their victim, and allowing slavery, to any who take hold'-part. I really must say, Jake, that I very much enjoy reading your stories, blogs, little pieces of words, I really do, but it seems to me that you could have put more work into this poem, comparing to the other bits I have seen from your pen. Some of it seems much less thought through than at other parts - or simply less inspirated. I really hope you understand - I do very much like your way of writing. And despite my critique, I did not find this to be garbage at all. You simply need to have more patience (with yourself) in this slightly different area.

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  6. Dear God, inspirated? I meant inspired :/

    - Sorry about the long comment (and the 'inspirated'. Jeez)!

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  7. What makes this poetry and the other things your write not poetry?

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  8. oh and i forgot to mention. I love the last two lines.

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  9. You sound like me, I also tend to get robotic when it comes to poetry. But wow, that was amazing, and all non-robotic. Certainly very beautiful. I take it you're speaking of society(metaphorically of course)? who's "eye's of falsity and lies," find their victim(humanity), who in turn becomes the slave, whereas, it(society) "always deciphers love with reciprocrated lust", etc. etc. At least, that's the way I interpreted it. :)

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  10. are you a robot? is that why you write robotic poetry?

    Owen Greencherry & Lil' Calra say 'hello'

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